Looking past the Pain

Lately, I find my writings to lean more towards life and the stuff that comes down the pike. Things that effects our everyday lives. The Cancer information, seemingly still so valuable to me, tends to fall on deaf ears.

There is a very short phrase coined by this generation , that I think we all need to visit more often. It’s called “OWN IT”” Simple to learn, easy to remember, but very deep in content.
June 18th , this year ended a 13 yr cancer struggle for Jenny and I. And I’m left with a 3 pound box of ashes, fading memories, and a ton of questions . The attempts to get back to normal were futile, and it took a revelation from my youngest to put it in place. “normal is never going to be again Dad. ,We need to seek a new normal.”  Convinced she was right we began again, trying hard to patch up the old wounds and move on.   There are no options, life changes, you just need to 'Own it', N move on.

October 27th, four months later I stood with my son, in the lower level of his home. And watched helplessly while he tried to revive his wife of 20 years. I will never forget the look of desperation on his face as we tried everything possible to breath life back into this one who had bore his children and shared his life . In a few short moments all that used to be was gone, replaced by challenges so huge that even an attempt to think it through was overwhelming.
Kathy’s life now over, the first hurdle was to tell the kids. Much discussion and planning took place to make sure all avenues were investigated. That meeting took place in Al’s living room where a very simple and honest delivery of guarded facts were given to three very concerns kids.
A few whimpers and tears followed as an 8,11 and 12 year old tried to absorb the fact that Mom would never come home again. And within minutes of that  information, all three were on the trampoline, seeing who could outdo the other, tucking thoughts of Mom somewhere back behind the giggles.
Today is day eight of the new normal. Much of what used to be is gone. Replaced by a numbness that carries you from point A to point B in a function, non-function status. New routines begin to develop and Al assumes the roll of Mister Mom one step at a time.
He points to his chest and says, “did it hurt Dad in your chest, when Mom died?". The reply, “Yes Son it did, But it wont stay, it will get less n less.“  I can read the look on his face like a book. I can feel the pain in his eyes as if Jenny's passing was yesterday. But I can do nothing but be here to try and support him as the walls of the life they built together comes crashing down on him in waves so heavy they drove his dad into a bottle if only for a short time. This is my first born, a son so dear to me that I’d give my life for him. But I’m only allowed to watch.
I had asked the Lord one time, after the kids had left the nest. "What lord, What good am I now". His answer, "to keep them in prayer and covered by the blood of Christ". When Kathy died my son had said , “I don’t want to be alone Dad”. So I’m here, but I’m able to do nothing but watch him go through this alone. When his mom died, I could at least shield him and the other kids from some of what I saw. Here, he must take it alone.
Life goes on for those of us left behind, for Kathy, a new life begins. She rests at the feet of the master awaiting the day she receives her crowns and begins eternity with the King of Kings.

Like any Father, the first couple days I worried for my son. How could he manage, when can he work, how will he assume all the tasks now required of him in this now very real 'MisterMom' position. A realtime crash course in adjustment 101 with no “spring break” in sight.
The years have givin me both insight and advantage, both absolutely necessary for survival. And both a free 'perk' for walking with and getting to know Jesus Christ. I used to chuckle at those who would be so stupid as to say 'the Lord talked to me'. I’d make a face maybe turn my head and pity the jerk, hoping he’d just go away. At 62 enough waters run under this ole bridge that we are carefull with the kiddin and very serious about who the boss is. Cemetery’s full of folks who thought they could outrun Him, And life is just a whole lot easier when you bunk with Him n try to listen to His laws. But heck, I know there’s some tough guys out there, Go for it! You deserve the truth. If you're so stubborn that you gotta do it the way I did, no better time than now for learnin. . Always figured if you gotta take a beating its best to get at it n get to the other side.
The day after Kathy’s passing, I sat across the kitchen table watching Al try to juggle work, issues with the house, a good number of folks who just wanted to help and then try to respond to 3 motherless kids with questions on dress, homework, etc. I could do nothing but sit there and my heart ached to be able to pitch in. And out of the blue the Lord spoke to my heart and said,
”your eyes are focused on the hurt and confusion. Look past to find Me. It was no surprise to me. I knew Kathy was leaving, I placed her to rest, She sleeps with those who wait the day of my return. Your Son will grieve as I allow it, and as you also did grieve. Those grandbabies are covered in the love of their father and all will be well. . This is a new beginning and not an end. No part of the future has been forgotten. And he will not be alone. Trust me for I am He who sets the moon and the stars. I am fully able and will leave nothing undone."
And as I was able to look with new vision and insight it became very clear that what was revealed was very true. We were truly walking through the valley of the shadow of death but the sting was gone. My Son functioned incredibly well and his grief was haltered. Many times I see wisdom in the things he does and says that would not be there if consumed by this. Three grandkids laughed and played with hardly a sign that mom was gone. Denial? Not a chance. Dad created journals and each night before prayers they would each write something special about Mom. They “camped out” in the Rec room together, two mattresses tossed together to create a place of safety,. where that little family could lay close at night to dispel the fear or talk and cry. Dad said the questions got very deep after the lights went out and the oneness of a bruised family could heal in its own time.  At bedtime I would not even attempt to enter that area. It was sacred ground, a place for just him n the kids. Gods wisdom created it and it works exceptionally well.
At the risk of sounding bizarre what an incredible thing to witness. Death is as much a part of life as life itself. And to be able to see beyond the vail,..such a blessing

Age is not all bad. At 62 I can see back a stretch. See both hills and valleys, both joy and sad times confirming once again the truth in Gods word. My Son now says he wants to go to the Lord before me, because hes lost enough. But time will change that. He will see the joy in seeing those he loves grow and become adults. At that time he will know the blessings I now enjoy. .
At 20 we are invincible, at 30 smarter than most, 40 brings forth life’s reality’s. And by 50 we begin to see mortality through Gods eyes, maybe the aches n pains help. But you definitely are aware that life is not forever and you’d better get at the business of trying to understand where your headed. At 40 death scared me, so much so that I petitioned the Lord to teach me so I could function without fear. I feared seeing a son or daughter laying in a coffin, and it consumed me, yet I was helpless to change a thing. He has done that  and much much more and I stand ready to rest at His Command.   But until He tells me my days are finished I walk by faith. There is no fear, no disease, nothing placed here that does not bow its knee to the King of Kings, and by His grace He has allowed me to be His Child. Nothing in me deserves this love, for I am as filthy rags. But this Holy God, who simply spoke this world into being has kept His word and walked with me and blessed me way beyond a fair measure. Should I die this day, I am so far ahead.

This article seems to have no end. Each attempt to close brings more thoughts, more blessings, memories that need to be shared. That being said I’ll simply give the alter call and it will be your choice whether life will be your struggle, or the joy it can be. If the Lord Jesus Christ see’s value in spending time with me, then surely He will listen when you speak. I promise you, that if with sincerity in your heart you’ll ask Him to reveal Himself to you, you’ll never be the same again. for He is a GREAT and Mighty KING ,,,,,A.L.R.

A PENIS ISSUE

Its always fascinated me how using any sexual connotation can draw readership. So on the important articles i try to grab your attention. And Actually, the test for Bladder Cancer becomes a Penis Issue rather quickly. I remember a concerned friend asking me to tell him what he was in for with his up n coming bladder cancer test. Its quit simple I told him. Go home, grab the garden hose and try to force it into that Lil opening you pee out of. Needless to say, it was not the answer He was looking for, But sitting in those Stirrups,, yeah, the same ones missy used when Lil Jonathan came poppin out. gives you a Birdseye view of a very huge hose goin into a very small opening. And if there is one among you who needs to ask ,, "Does it hurt," I've missed my mark. And this folks, gets to be repeated every 6 months, till yu die.
That may have been one reason I looked for other methods in treatment
I believe I'm now entering my 7Th year since my cancer showed itself, And another all clear has just been sounded as my test results show everything in a normal range. And while This pleases me immensely I never forget that God is in control. I
I don't however have to dance with that garden hose, as there is a much less painful test that is much more accurate.
in 1996 a test called the AMAS Test was created that requires a simple blood test to determine Immunal Activity. It not only Monitors my cancer but also places a watch over all disease. Six monthes ago my test showed increased immune system activity indicating something in my system was getting out of control. I was given a supplement and rescheduled for another test in two months. Last week the results of the new test were in showing everything in a normal range. THIS IS WHY Cancer is not scary, This is also why we need to be living a life of maintaining health. If a doctor is so flippant that he /she can tell you your cancer free Your being lied too. For those of you who know my story you have followed at least in part my wife's 13 year fight against cancer. For the record she lost that battle 3 months ago after listening to every word the medical profession had to say for all that time. If numbers trip your trigger then look closely at those numbers. Conventional Cancer treatment only works for those on the dollar end. Take the time to think thru any treatment offered. Cancer is simply Your Body yelling for help because You abused it. Begin to address the issues before you. Stop dumping junk into your body and begin to treat it well,
The AMAS Test was developed in 1996, and all the documentation is there. But unless you seek the truth it will not find you. The Garden hose scenario is a funny twist to a very uncomfortable procedure, one i've found that is not even necessary. knowledge is power, sometimes even LIFE
Gods very best A.L.R.
I'm blessed to know the Lord Jesus Christ, and ultimately He will determine the length of my days. I am at peace with His decision, but not willing to give up one day to disease.

Hello, I'm back

I should begin with an apology. Jen's passing tossed me for a loop. See, I had it all figured, she was dieing, so I was grieving along the way, and when it was over it would be time to move on.
Life's full of surprises, and my 'practical pete" approach, which seemed logical at the time failed miserably at her passing.
As the rooms began to close in plan B was not to be found and the only peace i saw was in the bottom of a rum n coke. If my friends could see me now. I sat alone in the big ole room , The same room I'd lived in for the last three years changing her meds ,living her pain and watching her die one day at a time. There was nowhere to go, this was home. but the quiet was deafening. 60's music cranked to the max barely covered the sounds of her crying, and a thousand bad memories pressed in to remind me of the many times i failed to ease her suffering.
The beer went down easy, just taking the edge away. but the demons would leave as the rum kicked in. And soon the room would become much smaller . what was once a heavy load would soon meld into a fuzzy gray numbness that required much less thought. Once that point was reached the music sounded better and even my voice blended perfectly as i crooned away into the night. But we all know those kinda hid-a-ways only work while your drinking, so every morning brought the battle back in full force. After a few days of that and memories of a drunken father, it became very clear that this was a solution that needed a better solution. So I shook it off and began to deal with life in smaller increments.
If you've read some of my stuff you know the purpose of this Blog. So to watch my wife succumb to the poisons of treatment was a very painful and frustrating time. Death and dieing are very personal. And each person needs to be honored by their choices. Everything I've learned, every part of my being tells me Jenny didn't need to die. But I watched the poison go into her body every week for years and had a ringside seat to its effect on her "treatment".
So, I'm back, with apologies to all. another chapter to life has begun as I attempt to file away memories and a lifetime. The grieving for the most part now behind me. And God has provided new direction Life itself now has taken on new value as I've witness its fragility. Each new day now a blessing from the Master and a gift I will not take for granted. I chose to look at this day and see what God has provided for me, and make it count. and Tomorrow,, He has a plan for that too. Gods very best A.L.R.

SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO DIE,,,,,,,,,,,,,

i'll start this with an apolagy, As i've abandoned things here for quit a while. jenny's passing on the 17th of June set me back more than I had it figured. And i'm just now beginning to feel real again. Jen had been sick so long that I had it figured that my grieving was being done during the caregiving and that as soon as it was over, i'd just pick up and move on. Things just didn't happen as I had planned. So I've been moping around out on my deck for weeks trying to get things back to normal. but the fact is, Normal will never be again. for those things that made up the normal are gone and I need to seek a new normal, one that allows me to function and once again become productive.

One of the reasons I hesatated in my return was the fact that after all my bragging here on the powerin living a healthy lifestyle my own wife lost her battle to disease. And i needed to once again think through those things which I believe.

jenny's battle was hard fought, and lasted a full 13 years. Mine was the easy part in just trying to provide comfort. But the journey provided pricless information that without her struggle would be lost to me

. The tragedy , as I see it is she didn't have to die. Life is precious, death and dying very personal. and ultimately we honor those afflicted, as well as their choices. So it was with Jenny, as it is for the many others who choose Conventional Medical Treatment.

Someone asked a few days ago if I was against Chemo, and my answer was no. If you found a growth or Tumor, and Chemo, or Radiation was needed to zap it or slow its grown thats a good choice , as long as its not followed by series after series of infusions until the immune system is fully destroyed. Jenny's Tumor Markers were down in the teens Yet she opted to stay on the chemo against my suggestions. I believe in my heart that was a bad decision and the continued regimen of weekly Chemo finally was to much for an already taxed immune system.

Am I certain , obviously not. It's just my best judgement based on 13 years of struggle.

Jenny rests now, a well deserved rest. I never met such a fighter. And today she sleeps at the feet of Jesus awaiting the day He decides this mess is over. Judging from what I see out there, and comparing it to scripture and Gods past accounts It wont be long before we will see him Coming in the clouds.

The pictures above show the care taken in just transporting, and administering Chemo n radiation. I dont thin nI need to waste type on what it does inside the body. I''ll leave

that up to you.. A.L.R.

Jenny..The Struggle is Over And She has Taken the Lords Hand!

By Butch's/Ssnuffy's Sister, Linda Brown:

For those who have stopped by to read Butch's posts, I apologize that he has not been on for awhile. As most of you know, his wife, Jenny, has been battling cancer for many many years. On Wednesday, June 17th, Jenny finally left this world and is now walking hand in hand with the Lord. Praise God, her struggle is over!

This past month or so has been difficult for Butch, to say the least, since the cancer had consumed Jenny and her days have been barely tolerable. Butch was by her side day and night, just trying to meet all of her needs and comfort her. She was at peace in her last hours and minutes and Butch was there to let go of her and let her take hold of the Father's mighty hand.

Thank you all for the many thoughts and prayers for them. I know that he appreciate each and every one of you. He doesn't know that I'm posting this. I just wanted to ask that you all continue to keep him in your prayers. It has been a very long rough road and the coming days and months will be difficult as well. Please continue to lift he and his family up to the Lord for strength and peace as they grieve the loss of Jenny. She was my sister in law, but also a very dear friend. Thank you and God Bless.

BEHIND YOUR EYEBALLZ

I remember once going to the factory where my wife worked to take her a lunch she'd forgotten. As I moved through the production area my mind, ears and nose worked overtime trying to process the bangs and clangs and rumbles. Everyone was producing, each job focused.
If you've ever wondered why sleep is deemed so important maybe we can make a correlation to the sights n sounds in that factory environment.
The absence of noise, dimmed light source, and the body lying prone, coupled with a warm blanket will cause the body to seek rest. As a result, those systems designed for motion, action and thought processing go to a rest mode. The eyes close and heart and breathing slow, and it would appear to those who observe that the body is now at rest. But in actuality the very opposite is true. While day functions cease the battle is just beginning. Behind the eyeballs a conference has just been called and all those who monitor are required to attend. SSnuffy heads the meeting, gathering info from each attending, creating a battle plan for the shift. Station one reports a low energy reserve as a result of lack of sleep while ssnuffy makes notes. Station two reports high toxin levels at the head, arms and legs from formaldehyde that's oozed thru the skin from shampoos and creams. station three reporting high Sugar overload from soda pop while station 4 is reporting a massive intake of saturated fats and salt. Reports come up from downstairs that the colon is in overload and is drastically in need of a cleanse to get rid of standing toxins and a crew is dispatched immediately to try and at least contain the poison. Water levels are dangerously low due to low intake hindering the ability of the team to function properly.
The results are quickly tallied and the night crew of immunal warriors is summoned . With so much to do the crew is devided and dispatched with orders to do what they can in each area of concern before morning, knowing there is just too much to do to get the body back to 100 percent. Soon the tax of another day is added and the condition of the body is dropped yet another notch. This goes on Behind your eyes every day of your life,,,until,,,,,,,, is there any wonder people get cancer? There's no longer an excuse for not knowing. There is tons of information out there, way more than enough to convince you that your body needs a hand.
The choice is yours and the tools are everywhere.

Freedom is NOT Free !!~! R u Willing to Fight???

I'm Angry,,, Hell no, I'm "Pissed"!! as the media chases a mom and her son across the map , hungry for some print because she wont conform to a judges decision concerning the health of her son. This lady stands her own struggle, fighting for the right to make good decisions about her son's future. Anyone that has watched the cancer struggle, and the results of a regimen of that crap knows full well why she did what she did. The young son, Daniel, so fearful, from the first bout of chemo, threatened to run away. And all that mom did was go with him.
Religious or not, you cannot beat Gods system. I'd even go so far as bet that you can't. The idea , of placing Judges in positions of authority was implemented by God himself to help Moses with troubled times. And the requirement was that they were men, above reproach, who walked in wisdom and relied on the Lords guidance to make good decisions. Not a week goes by anymore that we are not hearing of some judge coming up with some lame brained decision over common sense issues. We let them chase this mom to hell and back for trying to be a mom and save her son from some agony while the plain truth is if Daniel was still in her womb it would be OK to jam a sharp knife into the back of his neck and kill him.
This is all just "stuff" because Daniel is just somebody else's kid, And Sleepy Eye Minnesota is not where you live. But its your freedom to chose your type of treatment for your son or daughter that's on the line here.
The days of trusting our family doctor is over folks. There are a lot of low quality medical people out there with could care less about you and care even less of the oath they took, let alone spell it. . I'm told that now you can go online and get the answers to medical college finals for less than the price of a quarter barrel. No wonder jackasses are popping up with scalpels in their hands, happy to give it a go on your body.
This #$$%*&^ judge was messing with YOUR Freedoms, and somewhere down the line his decisions are coming to your backyard and making determinations on your family. If you doubt me look into and compare government control from the early days until now, it sure would be wonderful to be paying the 2 percent income tax that was established way back then. Of course men were willing to fight and die for their rights way back then too.

Judge Roy Moore, an American Hero to me fought to keep the Ten Commandment on his courtroom wall. And was willing to give up his position to hold that standard. On November 13th , 2003 he lost his battle, but we lost much more. We let go of the integrity that made America the great country that she once was. And each time we fail to step up and use our right to voice our opinions, we lose yet another freedom.
This is Gods world, you're just visiting. You doubt me, check your local Cemetery. America was blessed because she chose to function in the integrity of Biblical principals. She struggles now because those principals are being ignored.
MY Friend the Judge wrote a poem after his removal. I'm including it here. Get involved! Voice your opinion! thnx Al

America the Beautiful, or so you used to be.
Land of the Pilgrims' pride; I'm glad they'll never see.
Babies piled in dumpsters, abortion on demand,
Oh, sweet land of liberty, your house is on the sand.
Our children wander aimlessly poisoned by cocaine,
Choosing to indulge their lusts, when God has said abstain.
From sea to shining sea, our nation turns away
From the teaching of God's love and a need to always pray.
So many worldly preachers tell lies about our rock,
Saying God is going broke so they can fleece the flock.
We've kept God in our temples, how callous we have grown.
When earth is but His footstool, and heaven is His throne.
We've voted in a government that's rotting at the core,
Appointing Godless judges who throw reason out the door,
Too soft to place a killer in a well deserved tomb,
But brave enough to kill a baby before he leaves the womb.

You think that God's not angry, that our land's a moral slum?
How much longer will He wait before His judgment comes?
How are we to face our God, from whom we cannot hide?
What then is left for us to do, but stem this evil tide?
If we who are His children, will humbly turn and pray;
Seek His holy face and mend our evil way:
Then God will hear from heaven and forgive us of our sins,
He'll heal our sickly land and those who live within.
But, America the Beautiful, if you don't then you will see,
A sad but Holy God withdraw His hand from thee.
Judge Roy Moore A.L.R.