Sunday, September 20, 2009

Hello, I'm back

I should begin with an apology. Jen's passing tossed me for a loop. See, I had it all figured, she was dieing, so I was grieving along the way, and when it was over it would be time to move on.
Life's full of surprises, and my 'practical pete" approach, which seemed logical at the time failed miserably at her passing.
As the rooms began to close in plan B was not to be found and the only peace i saw was in the bottom of a rum n coke. If my friends could see me now. I sat alone in the big ole room , The same room I'd lived in for the last three years changing her meds ,living her pain and watching her die one day at a time. There was nowhere to go, this was home. but the quiet was deafening. 60's music cranked to the max barely covered the sounds of her crying, and a thousand bad memories pressed in to remind me of the many times i failed to ease her suffering.
The beer went down easy, just taking the edge away. but the demons would leave as the rum kicked in. And soon the room would become much smaller . what was once a heavy load would soon meld into a fuzzy gray numbness that required much less thought. Once that point was reached the music sounded better and even my voice blended perfectly as i crooned away into the night. But we all know those kinda hid-a-ways only work while your drinking, so every morning brought the battle back in full force. After a few days of that and memories of a drunken father, it became very clear that this was a solution that needed a better solution. So I shook it off and began to deal with life in smaller increments.
If you've read some of my stuff you know the purpose of this Blog. So to watch my wife succumb to the poisons of treatment was a very painful and frustrating time. Death and dieing are very personal. And each person needs to be honored by their choices. Everything I've learned, every part of my being tells me Jenny didn't need to die. But I watched the poison go into her body every week for years and had a ringside seat to its effect on her "treatment".
So, I'm back, with apologies to all. another chapter to life has begun as I attempt to file away memories and a lifetime. The grieving for the most part now behind me. And God has provided new direction Life itself now has taken on new value as I've witness its fragility. Each new day now a blessing from the Master and a gift I will not take for granted. I chose to look at this day and see what God has provided for me, and make it count. and Tomorrow,, He has a plan for that too. Gods very best A.L.R.


Anonymous said...

Bless you for your honesty and true desire to help others in their grieving. You've left a fingerprint on the hearts of many and now it is time to receive the blessiings you deserve!!!

Silindile Ntuli said...

This is my first time on your blog and my heart goes out to you, may you find strength to push on in this hard time.

Scott McQueen said...

Very good to see you back Allen, I was worried (and praying) for you. Hope to chat soon. God Bless and keep fighting the Good Fight.