It's Tuesday, not that that's any big deal. Winter drags on here, and the cold gray Sky's add very little promise to anything but more cold and another winter day. . From the patio I stare out at the apple tree's, straining to see just one new bud,, but nothing. I pretty sure spring passed us by and no one bothered to lock it down. And one more month of this crap, n I'm gonna lose it.
Yesterday was a tough day. Today looks to be no different. Jenny's pains are ramped, and her appetite 's gone. The pain she needs to go through just for a bowel movement is horrendous, many times an enema is needed just to get some relief. But she struggles through,,,only to find more pain and more discomfort on the other side. Just sitting, or laying is a challenge, as tumors press against her skin . I make her food and just the smell turns her stomach. So We abort that and try something fresh hoping to catch onto something she can swallow.
She's constantly hitting the Morphine button and battling the drug to stay awake and Remain functional. And in between ,,eating pills for this pain and that. Pills for nausea, pills for Diarea, pills to counteract the negative effect of other pills. Then pills to cover negative effects that those pills created to counteract the others. It's a never ending game of guessing. Her crying goes right through me, But the great hunter/gatherer who is here to protect her can do nothing but sit and hold her hand.
Prayer after prayer hit the ceiling, then fall back to her bed. And we are left to deal with death and Hell in our own living room.
Yeah, I'm mad at God, none of this makes any sense at all. And that preacher who would put a hand to my shoulder today, and tell me God loves me, stands a very real risk of being re-educated in a Language bent on a trimmin.
But this is where history with the Lord kicks in. As mad and upset as I am with the way this is going I know that there is a day ahead when all will be clear. I know this because I've shook my fist at Him in the past thinking I'd caught him in a lie. And had been shown the answers in the fullness of His time. I have absolutely no idea how this will play out. Mine is the easy part and still it beats me down to watch as the days take their toll on Jenny's body. I know He has a place prepared where she will not hurt anymore. A. . L. R.