Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I'm mad at God today,,,,,,,,,,,,

It's Tuesday, not that that's any big deal. Winter drags on here, and the cold gray Sky's add very little promise to anything but more cold and another winter day. . From the patio I stare out at the apple tree's, straining to see just one new bud,, but nothing. I pretty sure spring passed us by and no one bothered to lock it down. And one more month of this crap, n I'm gonna lose it.

Yesterday was a tough day. Today looks to be no different. Jenny's pains are ramped, and her appetite 's gone. The pain she needs to go through just for a bowel movement is horrendous, many times an enema is needed just to get some relief. But she struggles through,,,only to find more pain and more discomfort on the other side. Just sitting, or laying is a challenge, as tumors press against her skin . I make her food and just the smell turns her stomach. So We abort that and try something fresh hoping to catch onto something she can swallow.

She's constantly hitting the Morphine button and battling the drug to stay awake and Remain functional. And in between ,,eating pills for this pain and that. Pills for nausea, pills for Diarea, pills to counteract the negative effect of other pills. Then pills to cover negative effects that those pills created to counteract the others. It's a never ending game of guessing. Her crying goes right through me, But the great hunter/gatherer who is here to protect her can do nothing but sit and hold her hand.
Prayer after prayer hit the ceiling, then fall back to her bed. And we are left to deal with death and Hell in our own living room.
Yeah, I'm mad at God, none of this makes any sense at all. And that preacher who would put a hand to my shoulder today, and tell me God loves me, stands a very real risk of being re-educated in a Language bent on a trimmin.
But this is where history with the Lord kicks in. As mad and upset as I am with the way this is going I know that there is a day ahead when all will be clear. I know this because I've shook my fist at Him in the past thinking I'd caught him in a lie. And had been shown the answers in the fullness of His time. I have absolutely no idea how this will play out. Mine is the easy part and still it beats me down to watch as the days take their toll on Jenny's body. I know He has a place prepared where she will not hurt anymore. A. . L. R.


Stacy said...

Please know that you and Jenny are both in my prayers. I'm glad I was able to see you both when I was back in town. *hugs* Love you! Stacy

AngelBaby said...

I am sending you some more Angels to comfort you and Jenny. I am sending you my love and my prayers.

Love and Blessings,

Liz said...

Please make this the best Valentine's Day ever for her! Hugs to both of you!

ssnuffy said...

Thnx Stacy, was great to get to see our "other" daughter too. dont be a stranger. Dad
Angel, you are a blessing to me, thank you.
Liz, great Idea, Im glad you reminded me. And i'm hopeing the same for you.

Daria said...

Thinking of the two of you ... and praying for strength and courage,


Patricia said...

you can find a good information in my blog, Keep strong, and both you and jenny in my prayers

God Bless You

Anonymous said...

I think of you and Jenny often. My heart goes out to you both! Give Jenny a big hug for me and then rap your arms around your self as well.... your a great man!! Take Special Care,
Jenny Tines

Secondary Liver Cancer said...

Hi Snuffy and Jenny,

I can only imagine what is happening in your house and give you all my hugs.

I never put my fist up to the good Lord like you write, but once he calls me, he can be sure I will have some words with him as well. What for God's sake is he doing?

All my hugs,

See Kim

keffoid said...

Hi Al,

You are a shining light and your strength will not go unnoticed, whether on this mortal coil or elsewhere.

Even though i'm an atheist, i was touched reading your post. You have an excellent attitude and your love for your wife is beyond words.

Thank you for making me sidestep my arrogant opinion, as your heart goes to levels that each one of us can learn from.

Best wishes, and from a stranger to a stranger, i extend my love for you and your wife.

Keith @ http://www.splashplay.co.uk