I'm alive,,,,,And she's dying,,,,,,,,

3 Am is a quiet hour. a dim glow from the yardlight outside reaches in through a set of old blinds .It offers just enough light to press the dark away and lite the room. The cat , deep in sleep is streached out on the chair while the two dogs lay close, resting and dreaming the dreams that dogs dream.
A heavy quilt holds me captive and a soft pillow cradles my only exposed part. In my quiet slumber a voice breaks the silence . my mind, deep in slumber attempts to process but the result is a slow drift back to where i was. Then again the voice cracks, only louder now and pulls me from my sleep. "help me Butch"" I need the bedpan",,,,,,,,,,,,, A part of me is awake, and recognizes the voice but my mottled brain drags heavy remembering the warm quilt and soft pillow. My mind wrestles the thoughts invading my sleep until I succumb to the need . As I toss off the warm quilt im invaded by the cool of the morning and sleep, however blissful is now just a memory . It's still 3 AM and I'm still tired, but duty calls.
SO,,,,,I think i'll stop now. I think everyone can Imagine the bedpan and,, THE rest of the story.
The purpose of this is to outline the need for caregivers to share. Obviously there is the cancer battle, and it holds Priority. but there is a huge amount of anxiety surrounding those giving care. When She crys out in pain i'm helpless. and the "please Help Me Butch" pleading s cause me to wring my hands in helpless jestjer of defeat.. I'd like to go someplace and bawl my eyes out. I can feel it there but it just wont come. I'm alive, But she's dying. Somdays the guilt is all consuming. Oh, you can rationalize , but the days build one on another until the guilt become GUILT and once again I need to label it and tuck it away. this is really a silent battle. Played behind the stage of the Feature. But an undaunting struggle to those in care. I know there are groups to join, but this job is 24/7 folks. I get a sitter so I can go Wednesday's for groceries.
I'm not complaining. I believe we are givin tasks by the King of kings . and this is mine, for now. I also know that He is sustaining me. As I could not do this without Him. The purpose is to you, my reader.
There are caregivers all around you. Become aware of their struggles, Lend a hand. be the much needed relief they need and deserve. One of my most treasured moments now is nice salad in the local McDonalds parking lot. A peaceful half hour undesturbed on my Wednesday outing. I cant begin to tell you the value I place on that half hour.
Well she is waking, and its time for her bath so i'll close. Be Blessed, and in my comments understand how blessed you really are.. gods very Best,,, SSNUFFY

Hangin ,,,,,,by a thread

Life Sucks,,,,,n then yu die. I remember the first time i heard that lil Phrase. It was funny. It was maybe a little bit rough but the image of its meaning rang true. I never figured to own it, But it's fittin pretty snug right now.
Early in my christian walk the struggle through lots of religous junk to find a real God was challenging. 50 different Doctorins, and thousands of churches, and somewhere in the midst my search to answer the question of weather or not there really was a God.
Well , I found Him somwhere around 40 years ago now. And our relationship was pretty rocky for a while. He's a hard task master, and I, well i had and still have a very hard head. I remember a very tough time when it seemed like He wasn't even listening. He was just letting me fight the fight alone. It was early fall i was alone at home feeling sorry for my self. And I remember shaking my fist at him and yelling, "You say I am blessed then show me my blessings"",,, now yelling at the King of Kings is not your best idea. and as wisdom returned I waited, for the thunder. But silence followed. And shortly after each and every blessing I had was clearly shown to me. And I never again questioned The Master. Oh, There were tough times ahead, but I always had the knowledge that I wasn't alone. And each challenge was met with a new confidence.
today I find myself on the other end of those 40 years. The journey to this point in time has produced many blessings as well as miricles. And I own a very good witness to Gods awesome power.
But today also finds me at a very low place where i feel very far away from God. I've been givin the task of caring for a wife of 40 years who's dying of cancer. And a more helpless job will never be found. As Men we are brought up to protect and defend. But I've met a foe that cannot be found. He inflicts pain and sickness and im helpless to challenge him. She fights the fight and my most effective weapon is to hold her hand. Cancer has destroyed her body and I watch her die daily. Each morning that she's stable I lift her to her chair, give her a bath and fix her a meal. life for us both ended 12 years ago, and each new day requires that we go through the motions . i try to fix meals with nutritional value only to find she's not able to eat. My prayers went from faith filled petitions for her healing to please end her suffering and leave her to her final sleep. The silence in this house is deafening as the morphine coarsed her veins in an attempt to control the pain. She wakes abruptly in the middle of the night to pain and nausea, or the speedy need for the bedpan. and her days are filled with much the same. I have the easy part and struggle with it daily. ,,,,,,,,,,,,And God is silent.
My mind swirls in this struggle to understand. How can a God say He loves us and allow one of his own to hurt like this? And why would He not end her suffering and take her to that better place.
Except for knowing Him, and sharing the experiences he's provided. I would lose it, no question at all. For lifes value has deminished greatly.
But the thread remains that was established in my conversion, and memory of His goodness and His word seem to sustain me. Please Pray for us both . SSNUFFY