Life Sucks,,,,,n then yu die. I remember the first time i heard that lil Phrase. It was funny. It was maybe a little bit rough but the image of its meaning rang true. I never figured to own it, But it's fittin pretty snug right now.
Early in my christian walk the struggle through lots of religous junk to find a real God was challenging. 50 different Doctorins, and thousands of churches, and somewhere in the midst my search to answer the question of weather or not there really was a God.
Well , I found Him somwhere around 40 years ago now. And our relationship was pretty rocky for a while. He's a hard task master, and I, well i had and still have a very hard head. I remember a very tough time when it seemed like He wasn't even listening. He was just letting me fight the fight alone. It was early fall i was alone at home feeling sorry for my self. And I remember shaking my fist at him and yelling, "You say I am blessed then show me my blessings"",,, now yelling at the King of Kings is not your best idea. and as wisdom returned I waited, for the thunder. But silence followed. And shortly after each and every blessing I had was clearly shown to me. And I never again questioned The Master. Oh, There were tough times ahead, but I always had the knowledge that I wasn't alone. And each challenge was met with a new confidence.
today I find myself on the other end of those 40 years. The journey to this point in time has produced many blessings as well as miricles. And I own a very good witness to Gods awesome power.
But today also finds me at a very low place where i feel very far away from God. I've been givin the task of caring for a wife of 40 years who's dying of cancer. And a more helpless job will never be found. As Men we are brought up to protect and defend. But I've met a foe that cannot be found. He inflicts pain and sickness and im helpless to challenge him. She fights the fight and my most effective weapon is to hold her hand. Cancer has destroyed her body and I watch her die daily. Each morning that she's stable I lift her to her chair, give her a bath and fix her a meal. life for us both ended 12 years ago, and each new day requires that we go through the motions . i try to fix meals with nutritional value only to find she's not able to eat. My prayers went from faith filled petitions for her healing to please end her suffering and leave her to her final sleep. The silence in this house is deafening as the morphine coarsed her veins in an attempt to control the pain. She wakes abruptly in the middle of the night to pain and nausea, or the speedy need for the bedpan. and her days are filled with much the same. I have the easy part and struggle with it daily. ,,,,,,,,,,,,And God is silent.
My mind swirls in this struggle to understand. How can a God say He loves us and allow one of his own to hurt like this? And why would He not end her suffering and take her to that better place.
Except for knowing Him, and sharing the experiences he's provided. I would lose it, no question at all. For lifes value has deminished greatly.
But the thread remains that was established in my conversion, and memory of His goodness and His word seem to sustain me. Please Pray for us both . SSNUFFY