Thursday, October 16, 2008

I'm alive,,,,,And she's dying,,,,,,,,

3 Am is a quiet hour. a dim glow from the yardlight outside reaches in through a set of old blinds .It offers just enough light to press the dark away and lite the room. The cat , deep in sleep is streached out on the chair while the two dogs lay close, resting and dreaming the dreams that dogs dream.
A heavy quilt holds me captive and a soft pillow cradles my only exposed part. In my quiet slumber a voice breaks the silence . my mind, deep in slumber attempts to process but the result is a slow drift back to where i was. Then again the voice cracks, only louder now and pulls me from my sleep. "help me Butch"" I need the bedpan",,,,,,,,,,,,, A part of me is awake, and recognizes the voice but my mottled brain drags heavy remembering the warm quilt and soft pillow. My mind wrestles the thoughts invading my sleep until I succumb to the need . As I toss off the warm quilt im invaded by the cool of the morning and sleep, however blissful is now just a memory . It's still 3 AM and I'm still tired, but duty calls.
SO,,,,,I think i'll stop now. I think everyone can Imagine the bedpan and,, THE rest of the story.
The purpose of this is to outline the need for caregivers to share. Obviously there is the cancer battle, and it holds Priority. but there is a huge amount of anxiety surrounding those giving care. When She crys out in pain i'm helpless. and the "please Help Me Butch" pleading s cause me to wring my hands in helpless jestjer of defeat.. I'd like to go someplace and bawl my eyes out. I can feel it there but it just wont come. I'm alive, But she's dying. Somdays the guilt is all consuming. Oh, you can rationalize , but the days build one on another until the guilt become GUILT and once again I need to label it and tuck it away. this is really a silent battle. Played behind the stage of the Feature. But an undaunting struggle to those in care. I know there are groups to join, but this job is 24/7 folks. I get a sitter so I can go Wednesday's for groceries.
I'm not complaining. I believe we are givin tasks by the King of kings . and this is mine, for now. I also know that He is sustaining me. As I could not do this without Him. The purpose is to you, my reader.
There are caregivers all around you. Become aware of their struggles, Lend a hand. be the much needed relief they need and deserve. One of my most treasured moments now is nice salad in the local McDonalds parking lot. A peaceful half hour undesturbed on my Wednesday outing. I cant begin to tell you the value I place on that half hour.
Well she is waking, and its time for her bath so i'll close. Be Blessed, and in my comments understand how blessed you really are.. gods very Best,,, SSNUFFY

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