Friday, October 17, 2008

"" LIFT THE LID "" !!~!~


At three p.m. most every day
my wife puts all her things away
and flips the switch on our T.V.
OPRAH’S on, she says to me

She’ll curl up in an easy chair
a cup of coffee sitting there
and her and OPRAH hash it out
My God no telling what its about

The house could burn around her neck
and she’d just say, Oh what the heck
We’ll fix it up, Don’t worry hon
just as soon as OPRAH’S done!

They talk of things from then to now
but always end with men somehow
and we’re dissected from head to feet
ending up of coarse on that toilet seat

It seems that someone, {probably a kid}
used the potty, and didn’t lift the lid
and my wife and Oprah will make us pay
right on up to judgment day

We guys are getting awful tired
Of Oprah getting our women wired
It’s time we set the record square
So set back in your easy chair

And we’ll paint a picture somewhat grim
of the awful things you do to him
and the trial and torment he’s gone through
quit simply because he lives with you

Ill speak for us, I got it bad
I’m the only male and I’m the dad
trying very desperately to survive
with grandma, two daughters.....and a wife

The guys will tell you, this is tough
living with all this female stuff
I try real hard and do my best
but God has to help me with the rest

They do all these really crazy things
acting like a bunch of ding-a-lings
laughing and giggling all the time
or crying for nothing at the drop of a dime.

The bathroom looks like a chemistry lab
with bottles and tubes, it’s really sad
and things plugged in from here to there
my shaver is in there, but I don’t know where.

The nylons hang as they always do
next to the sixteen bottles of shampoo
seven hairy brushes, and a dozen combs
and they say this is what makes a house a home.

I get up at five to use the John
and the girls have it from that time on
the hairspray flies and the curlers hum
and the cloud won’t clear until they’re done

they paint their faces with stuff and things
and cover it all with beads and rings
than top it off with a can of spray
and they’re set again for another day

as the bathroom door swings open wide
and my gang emerges from inside
a burst of perfume fills the air
and knocks me off the kitchen chair

do they need that much to last all day
maybe it keeps the flies away
at any rate I don't say a thing
for it’s just typical of ding-a-lings.

They’re not gonna change,
I don't think they can
they were put down here
just to aggravate man

they’re a peculiar lot,all prime and pretty
soft and cuddly like a newborn kitty,
but cross their path or mess their day
and you’ll wish to god you’d a moved away.

So Oprah think befor you speak
let your mind catch up to your mouth so to speak.
Don’t get our women all worked up
it’s hell down here, it’s bad enough.

Think of that toilet seat Ophra dear
and the blame we get from year to year
and the ridicule you put us through
cause lifting the lid is the thing to do

When my wife is crabby
and I don't want to fight
I sneak to the bathroom
in the midle of the night.

I pour a glass of water on the seat
than flush the thing so it’s nice and neat
and wait in bed until she wakes
for the potty journey she must make.

In just a moment she’ll sit down
and I’ll hear that firmiliar grumbling sound.
I’ll laugh in my pillow so she wont hear
and grin my victory from ear to ear.

So Oprah we are not as dumb as you think
we know the difference between toilet and sink
maybe that lid that you speak about
is really just our way out

of arguing when we don't want to fight
by playing game in the dark of night
or just our way of getting along
with these crazy female ding-a-longs

so have at it girl, and bash away
now that the guys have had their say
and watch that lid cause you never know
when a glass of water could steal the show.


1 comment:

looney2n said...

Since I know you, I can guess that this was written a few years back?!
I mean, Dawny's be gone for awhile and Crystal too. And Jenny, Um, isnt she confined to her bed?
I think it's pretty safe to say your holding on to stuff..LOL
GREAT POEM. We should notify Oprah, don't ya think?